UPIS Batch 1992

Tuesday, April 26

What would you do if...

you're caught in this really sticky situation?

CLICK ON PHOTO TO VIEW SOLUTION.

Posted by batch 92 :: 8:00 AM :: 0 comments

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Monday, April 25

Para sa mga TOMADOR!

You Know You Drink Too Much When...

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar

You have a "happy hour" at home

When you are sober, people ask you what's wrong?

"Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! - I don't have a prinking droblem!"

"I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. *hic* Pash me another, tarbender."

You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.

You instinctively know where the alcohol is in a store you've never been in before

You think beer and ramen make a good breakfast

You frequently urinate outdoors.

You fall asleep taking a dump.

You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse.

You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.

You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center.

Beer ads make sense.

You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.

You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.

The space on your driver's license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".

You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.

You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin.

You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic Zen-like piss.

You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

"Take me drunk, I'm home!"

You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.

You drink to get over a hangover.

Posted by batch 92 :: 8:22 PM :: 0 comments

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Friday, April 15

Qantas Airlines

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Posted by batch 92 :: 9:00 AM :: 0 comments

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Friday, April 1

Her Day In Court

Defence Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you April 1 this year?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my porch on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard!

Happy April Fools Everyone!

bob, next time na yung contribution mo.

Posted by batch 92 :: 3:24 PM :: 0 comments

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